Note: This unwritten post has been sitting in my editorial calendar for a few weeks, and when I went to blog about something that happened to me today I knew right where to put it.
I have been questioning and exploring my faith throughout the past month or so and in doing so I began to read two books by Candance Cameron Bure — “Balancing it All” and “Shaping it All.” These books aren’t for everyone, and at my stage in discovering my faith and beliefs, some of it may have been too much for me. But something about this actress’ journey in discovering what it means to be a Christian and living a life guided by God, inspired me to delve deeper into my own beliefs. And since I am in the process of reconnecting to God in some way, although I haven’t discovered what that might look like for me yet, I thought it’d be a good idea to start blogging about it, because that’s what I do.
Moments ago after hearing about the stabbings in Murraysville Pennsylvania this morning, I felt compelled to pray — for the victims, the families, my children, all children. I’ve never been someone to pray for a purpose or for real intent. In the past any praying I did, on the rare occasion, were merely empty words. Just something I was reciting from memory or simply saying just to “say something.”
But today, I prayed. Really prayed for probably the first time in my life. And as I did I could feel something physically happening to my body. I’m still trying to make sense of it all, but basically there was some movement deep inside. Not really a tingling, but it came from the depths of my stomach and moved right up through my chest and throat and suddenly there were tears streaming down my cheeks. I probably should have sat with this feeling for a bit, but it surprised me so much I shut it down. I am now here with an ache, actually an emptiness in my chest, and having difficulty getting back to my work.
So I did what I always do when I’m questioning and working through things in my life — I wrote.
I firs wrote a letter to Candace Cameron Bure. Strange I know, but for some reason I felt driven to contact her. Maybe, as I told her, it’s because at this stage in the game, her books and blog have been my only guide and connection to religion. I have not connected with a church and do not want to until I have a clear head about what I want. I might start visiting different ones, but the one pastor who ever helped make sense of things for me, left my small town under difficult circumstances (not all of which I understand). But losing her in the way that I did, broke my heart and my faith.
But as always, I am working it all out — by reading and writing, discussing my thoughts with others, and now (I guess) praying.
I’m not sure where I will end up with this, but the one thing I do know is that:
- I have always been a spiritual person.
- I do believe in God.
- I do believe he has a plan for my life and …
- Someone was listening to my prayers today — I felt it.
Where this journey of faith will take me from here, only time will tell.
Where are you in your relationship with God? Are you struggling with your faith or very secure in your beliefs? I would love to hear.